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Coping With Infant & Pregnancy Loss
You may have waited your whole life for this baby. You have dreamed about
it. You have planned it. You have picked out a crib, prepared your family,
friends and life for this new arrival — and then, you leave empty-handed.
It is heart breaking to lose a child. Feelings of grief following the death
of a baby are normal. You are not crazy; you are not the only one who has
felt betrayed or angry.
Tools for coping:
- Cry. For as long and as often as you feel you need to. Crying is part of
the mourning process.
- Expect a difficult time. For a while you may feel depressed, you may have
trouble sleeping, fight with your partner, neglect your other children. You
may feel like you are going crazy.
- Recognize that fathers grieve too. Sometimes their grief looks differently
than the mothers. They might be dealing with their distress in a way that
doesn’t make sense to the mother. They may be working more, lose their
temper often or perhaps increase their alcohol use. Often, a grieving
father doesn’t know how to support his grieving partner and vice versa.
Both may need to seek support elsewhere.
- Don’t face the world alone. It is very painful to field questions about a
pregnancy or infant loss. Be sure to have someone inform schools, churches,
work or other organizations in which you are active, so you don’t have to do
any difficult explaining.
- Expect your pain to lessen over time, but be prepared for the possibility
that it will never go away entirely. The grieving process takes longer than
most people thing and will take more energy than you would have imagined.
- Recognize that guilt can heighten the grief and make adjustment to the loss
more difficult. Feelings of guilt and a sense of failure are normal. Many
women describe feeling betrayed by their body after a pregnancy loss.
- Every baby is important. Many people have found it helpful to gather
mementos such as ultrasound pictures, or your baby’s things and create a
memory box or photo album. Creating rituals that acknowledge your baby’s
life can be helpful such as planting a tree or donating a children’s book to
a library in their honor.
- Be gentle with yourself. Find supportive places to share your feelings.
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